how to help others open up

“If you shift your focus from yourself to others, extend your concern to others, and cultivate the thought of caring for the well-being of others, then this will have the immediate effect of opening up your life and helping you to reach out.”    Dalai Lama

With today’s fast and frantic pace of online communication, it is often easy to forget how to really talk and listen to people.

The last few years have been monumentally difficult for everybody whether it be the financial impact, general well-being, personal relationships, or how the world of work looks now. We are still all trying to find our way and there is no new one-size-fits-all ‘normal’.

It is often difficult to say what we are honestly thinking or going through because we don’t want to be a burden or be seen as weak yet every person on the planet has something they are struggling to deal with at some point. So what we can do to help others and ourselves is, to be honest, and discuss what’s truly happening, but how can you help someone open up and feel more able to cope?

Below are just a few of many ideas of how to help someone talk about issues and in turn, you may recognise areas of your own life that you feel could do with some support.

Firstly, be yourself. If you are concerned for someone’s well-being don’t dress it up as something different, just be straightforward. Without turning the conversation to you or relating your own personal experiences, be sure that you remind them you are there to support in whatever way they need. Being genuine and by admitting you don’t have all the answers, but will try your best to help support, is a fantastic starting point.

Actively listening to someone, so that you hear not only the words they are saying but their tone and what they are omitting, is as important to understand what’s going on. Let them talk freely and only interrupt or prompt if it is necessary to keep the conversation going. Obviously, it’s difficult but don’t judge or offer advice, just be there and if it’s too hard a topic to start with, find another one that you both enjoy so that they feel comfortable that you have common ground. It may take several of these more casual exchanges before bigger issues are discussed. Here is more information about listening that may help.

Don’t force the conversation. It is so difficult when you want to help someone, and you know that they are on the edge of telling you how they feel but if they are anxious or vulnerable, they will shut down if they feel pushed into discussing something they are not ready to. All you can do is let them know you are there and remember that the key to it all is patience – with gentle reminders and small gestures, they will tell you when the time is right.

If you are part of the issue, for example, if you’ve had a disagreement, then be sure to go in with an open mind and remember to wait to hear everything they have to say before jumping in with a defence. Every story has different threads, and more than one side, so listen to what they are saying objectively without being offended or irritated. Remember to keep neutral throughout the conversation because body language often says more than words so sit on your hands if that helps!

If you are both meeting and discussing issues over a period of time, encourage the person you are supporting to keep a journal for several weeks and see if you can go through the parts, they feel happy to share with you. They may find that their feelings are triggered by something that is a pattern that they were completely unaware of that documented in a journal will reveal.

Finally, be sure to take care of yourself so that you can remain strong when supporting someone emotionally. You may find that it’s a situation where you can both talk about issues and support each other. Whoever you decide to talk to about what you need support with, ensure that they are neutral, calm, compassionate, and non-judgmental whether it be a close friend, family member, or accredited coach. 

If you would like further information about the accredited coaching that I offer, and how you could be supported and coached in all aspects of your life then please get in touch here.